Dear 8lb, 9oz smallest quarterback of the Universe and the only acceptable ruler with tiny hands,

 
Well howdy, Jesus! Can we get a HEAVEN YEAH! for that game last weekend?! Woo! The Dawgs are on top this season, Lordlet, and I hope it has a lot to do with our conversations! You can definitely let Aaron Murray know that he ain’t s…I mean, that he was wrong about picking those other Bulldogs. Thank ya for that W.

Today, our Mean Machines have traveled all the way to Knoxville to take on those ol’ Tennessee Volunteers.

Once again, Jesus, a team with an identity crisis. They’re volunteers because Tennessee sent a bunch of volunteer soldiers in the War of 1812. I MEAN, GET WITH THE TIMES, AM I RIGHT? Then they’ve got some hound dog named Smokey and a Phish song as their anthem. Also, their coach’s name is Lyle Allen but they call him Butch. I gotta tell ya, Jesus, I don’t understand much about any of this.

Speaking of things we don’t understand, can you tell me why these volunteers keep a trashcan on their sidelines? I hear it’s a special celebration for when they force a turnover. Uhhhh, because forcing the turnover isn’t enough celebration? You have to dunk a football in a trashcan instead? Maybe folks are on to something with that whole garbage man thing after all. Either way seems pretty weak compared to our “Savage” vest.

Infant deity, we have to have a little talk.

We all know that in all of time, in all the lands, you have only made two mistakes. Donald Trump and the color orange. It occurs to me as I tell you this that they are one in the same. If ya think on it, those Gators, those Eagle Plainsmen, those Tigers from that other conference, I mean, the list goes on, baby Lord, of the tackiest folks on the planet and the unifier between all of ‘em bein’ orange. As I said before, I know folks like to make fun of garbage men conventions here, but frankly Lordlet, garbage men have taken trash out of the world while these orange folks, ‘specially that Donny, ARE the trash. At least I’m glad they’re keeping their pumpkiny abomination in Knoxville this year and not bringing it to dear ol’ Athens!

We’re not going to talk about last year, Jesus. Your mom was obviously under a lot of pressure when she heard their call and let them make that catch. If you could just talk to her for us this year. No more of those, please. Unless they’re for the Dawgs. Then hail your mom all day! Tell her we’ll be sure to send a card on your birthday this year and we hope she’s doing well.

Jesus, we come to you today to ask for a mulligan on our last meet-up with these Tennesseeans. That you continue to put the maximum magic in Fromm, protect our defense who are stronger than any wall any orange person could ever build, and Jesus, well, I can’t believe it, but thank ya from all of us for Coach Kirby. Why, it surely is the finest thing in the land to be a Georgia fan this season.

In your comin’ down the tracks name we pray,

AMEN AND GO DAWGS!

Editor’s note: please Jesus, don’t make our other Pretty Southern contributor, Mandy Morgan cry again. She was pretty pitiful in 2015 when the Dawgs lost in Knoxville