2020 was a Year of Reckoning

In the last few years, I started a fun tradition with Michelle Khouri — Founder & CEO / Executive Producer at FRQNCY Media. As we wind down the past year and roll into a new one, Michelle and I catch up to discuss a theme for the coming year.

In 2017, it was the Year of the Warrior. It followed a year of awakening, kicking off a time to truly start fighting for what we believe in, pursuing our dreams together, and reaching for the highest achievements without fear of failure.

2018 — it was the Year of the Butterfly, expanding on that Warrior mentality into a beautiful evaluation, followed by the Year of the Reaping in 2019 when the seeds we planted had grown and ready for harvest. Michelle wrote to me saying that our hard work would be manifested into reward.

For 2020, that theme continued into the Year of the Reckoning, searching for a more profound power and aiming to live in an ever-present harmony, Michelle wrote. Little did we know what 2020 would have in store.

As a fan of Michelle and her work, it has been amazing to see her words ring true as she’s seen continuous success with FRQNCY Media, taking on producing prodcasts for heroes includingDiane von Furstenberg and Jane Goodall.

Getting to watch a young business owner like Michelle pursue her dreams, tell stories, and create jobs is just one of the many things I love best about this industry. Learning about company formation in Indonesia is beneficial for an entrepreneur dreaming of starting a business there. On a personal note, for me, 2020 was also a year of professional growth. I took on a new role as VP of Marketing at Curricula helping to scale a startup I mentored through the Atlanta Tech Village.

There were still happy moments of growth in momentum in 2020 despite being a year of challenges.

And if 2020 taught us anything, it’s to fix your potential problems before they come a-reckonin’.

2020 was an arduous 52 weeks. Every problem we had as individuals, in our work, and as a society was exacerbated by the Coronavirus.

But even before the onslaught of the pandemic, I was taught a very important lesson in the mountains of Jackson Hole. I suffer from weak ankles — a problem I’ve consistently put on the back-burner instead of pursuing physical therapy — and went skiing where instead of pacing myself on the Greens, I took a very icy Blue and sprained an ankle (thankfully it wasn’t worse).

Instead of moping about the cabin unable to ski, we found other activities which included heading to the top of Jackson Hole resort to Corbet’s Couloir where this photo was taken.

It felt like I left a piece of my heart in those beautiful mountains. Even with a bum ankle, I wanted to stay longer and keep exploring. Leaving Jackson Hole, we came back to Atlanta on March 8 only days before the whole world went into the Great Lockdown over COVID-19.

All of the plans we’d made for the year, including my sister’s wedding, were scrapped due to the need for social distancing. March and April were months of so many unknowns while the lockdown continued. Then my job opportunity came about bringing good work to do instead of worrying about the world around us.

And a busy late spring was followed by a tumultuous summer as COVID cases started rising, then the deaths of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and Ahmaud Arbery gave rise to a renewed civil rights movement.

Coming face-to-face with the issue of racism has presented its own moment of reckoning for Pretty Southern as a brand. What we set out to do in questioning ‘What does it mean to be a Southerner in the 21st century?’ means to question everything when it comes to societal norms.

A fellow member of our Pretty Southern squad, Jenn Ciccarelli (who some of y’all might remember from her Game Day Prayers or when she broke the internet in Charleston when her post went viral) shared these words which summed it up pretty well:

The death of George Floyd forever changed something inside me. I’m sorry it didn’t happen sooner. I’m working to ensure that guilt is never a burden, and instead is the fuel behind an effort to make up for lost time. In searching for words that might fit the current state of my insides, I thought about settling on altruism. I am trying to live myself as selflessly as possible (probably also to make up for lost time) and giving is the most compelling of good energy…

2020 was a shitfire year but I’ve repeatedly said it wasn’t without its magic. We have seen what happens when we come together for our communities and we stand up for what’s right. Change just takes one person and few a ripples

Over here at Pretty Southern, this meant offering support and giving a platform to voices needing to be heard. Both Quay Bowen and Kyiah Oliver published beautiful, heart-breaking editorials about what they’ve faced as black women in the South. Quay’s On the Topic of Equal Opportunity and Kyiah’s testament to how African American women have been treated for quite some time are both worth reading again to remember the mission we’re on as a collective force for good.

Thinking ahead for this new year, I found these wise words from Stefanie Diaz, who saw her own good work come to fruition in 2020 by becoming a Partner at Zane Ventures (here’s Stef’s feature in Hypepotamus). Stef and I first met in 2017 when she had me on her show, Mastermind Your Launch on Business Radio X (y’all can replay it here).

Stefanie shared these wise words at the close of 2017…

Honor your journey. Shift blame to blessings. Shift regret to gratitude. Because the evolution you’re in (however hard it may be) is pointing you towards your next treasure, and love is the key that will unlock the chest.

Things have really come full circle to 2021

Working with so many wonderful humans, hearing their thoughts and listening to their wise words has helped me so much on my own journey with its destination unknown. This brings us to the theme for this year.

2021 will be the Year of Expansion

When I continued our annual tradition and asked Michelle what the word for 2021 would be, she first reflected back on 2020 and how it was a Year of Reckoning for sure. So many good things happened but there were challenges like we wouldn’t believe. So 2021 will be the Year of Expansion.

To quote Michelle directly: “What I feel with the word ‘expansion’ is that it’s not going to be altogether comfortable because it represents expanding our minds, our hearts, our definition of things, what we think is good vs. bad, what we feel works and doesn’t.”

“Ultimately, we need to break out of the prisons we built and expand into a new way of being. It’s going to be magnificent but a journey in-and-of-itself.”

I am so thankful for these words, for Michelle, Jenn, Stefanie, Kyiah, Quay, and all y’all in the Pretty Southern squad. All of our years to come will have their challenges, but we’re here to get through them together.

In life, most of us are on the quest to find “the one”

When I was younger, I was obsessed with finding that perfect guy. Looking back through my teenage journals, I could witness 16-year old Lauren who was wrapped up in her first boyfriend, crushes, dates, flirtations, musings and dreams of finding Mr. Right. While these are cringe-worthy moments there is something incredible that emerged from my journal.

The List for the Perfect Guy

On my list were 40+ categories and qualifications ranging from the basics like “nice eyes, nice hair,” to deeper criteria like “has a passion and drive to succeed in life.” For the next several years, every guy who I felt a serious emotional attachment to was scrubbed up against The List to see how he matched up. There were guys who came close, some who fell short, and man the stories I could tell…but then I met my husband.

It wasn’t until a few months after we started dating and had officially become boyfriend and girlfriend that I went home to my folks’ house for the holidays. In my childhood bedroom, I rediscovered my teenage journal with the original list. My husband was with his family in Illinois that Christmas, and it was the last holiday we would spend apart because after running Kevin through The List, I discovered that he met all the criteria. As I write this post, we’re coming up on our seventh year of marriage and (God willing) with many more to come.

Obviously I’m a huge proponent of making the list for the perfect guy (or girl)

I’m also a big believer in The Secret. The belief that by focusing on what you really want in life, putting it out into the universe to make it happen, and if it’s aligned with God’s will, Fate, or whatever you want to call it then it can come to fruition. Philosopher Paulo Coelho, the author of one of my all-time favorite books The Alchemist, calls it your “personal legend.” He also wrote one of my favorite quotes:

“But if you believe yourself worthy of the thing you fought so hard to get, then you become an instrument of God, you help the Soul of the World, and you understand why you are here.”

So while I’m still figuring out the greater purpose of why I’m on this planet, I try to thank God every day that I found my person, the perfect guy for me to live out this existence. I’m not saying our marriage is perfect, and damn if we’ve been through our own struggles, issues that threatened our relationship, but by recognizing that I’m lucky and blessed to be with this man makes me want to help other people I care about to find that perfect guy or girl as well.

Y’all might remember our pal Jenn Ciccarelli who broke the internet in Charleston, S.C., a few years ago. Jenn came over to my house the other week so we could catch up and start working on our next post to hopefully go viral. But what emerged out of our conversation was The List. Jenn blogged about The Art of Making The List.

Jenn says: “The List. You know the one. It outlines all the pertinent parts of your perfect person. I’ve heard of The List always. Who hasn’t, right? I feel like there’s even a Sex and the City about it. I’ve just never made mine. Seems strange, doesn’t it? I’m the biggest proponent of putting pen to paper to breathe life into something. The first one telling people to put things in the Universe if they really want them to happen. The most out-loud believer that we control our own destiny, as long as we are resolute and sincere. When I wanted to move to Charleston, I, literally, PUT it everywhere. So to think, when the one thing I love most in this life is love, that I haven’t sat down and actually fashioned what it really looks like to me in a tangible way seems a little, I don’t know, like what the fuck, self. OF COURSE YOU SHOULD HAVE A LIST.”

Then Jenn and I spent about an hour writing out her list for the perfect guy. Respecting her wishes, I’m not going to publish it, but what I have done is outlined the categories we discussed to help you discover what attributes your perfect person will also have.

How to Find the Perfect Guy or Girl

Step one – write it down! You have to put your intentions out there so God, the Universe, whatever higher powers know what you’re looking for. Write in in your journal, a blog post, Google Doc, somewhere that you can always go back and read it again.

• What does he/she look like? Eyes, hair, height, build, facial hair pro/con etc.
• Style: classic, preppy, hippy, hipster, trendy, lumber sexual, no basic bros, could care less – his/her style should compliment your own
• Location: is he/she Southern, Northern, Midwestern, West Coaster, from another country? Are long distance relationships a deal breaker? Where you ultimately would like to settle down is something you need to think about.
• Family: do you want someone with a big family? Are you an only child and want to find someone like you? Do you want to have big holidays with lots of folks around? Think about what your life would be like with this person and your people.
• Politics: left, right, moderate, liberal, conservative, anarchist?
• Music: what type of music does he/she listen to? Do they like to go to concerts or festivals? Can he/she sing or play an instrument?
• Travel: loves to, hates to, occasionally wants to, has been to 100+ countries
• Intellect: creative, artistic, mathematical, does intelligence matter to you?
• Philosophy: how does he/she think about life and this existence?
• Faith & religion: Christian, Buddhist, Jewish, Muslim, Atheist…or nothing at all. Your call.
• Food: healthy or not? Can he/she cook? Should he at least possess the capabilities to make breakfast? Note, this was one on my list. Another one of my criteria was that he enjoys going out to nice restaurants and orders dessert
• Connection: is this someone you want to be able to talk to for hours? Do you want someone who will just listen to you? Is he/she an introvert/extrovert like you?
• Going out: is he a party boy or is she a social butterfly, or prefer to stay on the couch at home? Another friend who was on his quest to find the perfect girl once told me that he’d prefer to find a girl that was happier having 1-on-1 time with him instead of being at the bar.
• Drinking and smoking: acceptable, deal breakers, in recovery, addicts need not apply. Write this out.
• Sports: is he/she a football fan? Likes to golf, plays tennis, belongs to a country club? Soccer fan? Basketball? Baseball? Rugby? You name it. We know how important an affinity for sports is here at Pretty Southern.
• Stuff: this is actually a big one. Minimalist vs. materialistic. Does he have more shoes than you? Does it matter?
• Is he/she a hot mess? Do you recognize this person is a train wreck, like you, or they really have life on lock down?
• Financial security: if finances matter, is he/she a saver or spender?
• Charitable: does he/she volunteer? Is there a certain philanthropy you’re involved in and want him/her to help, too? Do they donate to a cause, tithe to a church (see religion) or have some sort of altruistic endeavor?
• Star gazer. This one was another one of mine. He has to be content with sitting next to me, looking up at the night sky, without getting bored.
• Cuddler: another one of mine. Must love to snuggle
• Sexual: I’ll let y’all decide what this means to you.
• Love. Ditto.

Now to wrap this list up, Jenn said this while we were working on her list that made me have a giggle fit. You know, where you start laughing so hard that you’re crying and can’t talk. We were talking about the importance of him having his shit together, that he wouldn’t be on some journey of self discovery, he’s just walking through life’s path:

“He’s like Atreyu through the mother fucking swamp. Like okay, cool, I’m just gonna go. I’m going to get Falcor and ride free until we get the princess. We’re free. We’re out of the journey.”

To close with a final thought from Jenn: “I encourage every person to make their list. It doesn’t have to be about a person. It can be about a dream project. Or a dream trip. A dream goal. Just a dream. Make your list. Breathe it in to life and make sure you’re living up to it. Don’t slow down or stop until you do. Never believe that anything is unattainable. And don’t settle. You’re a fucking rock star.”

What are your thoughts on how to make a list to find the perfect guy or girl?