Dear 8lb, 9oz tiny baby Jesus in the manger dome

JESUS! CAN YOU BELIEVE FOOTBALL SEASON IS HERE?!

I mean! HOLY GUACAMOLE (that’s your favorite kind, right? GET IT, Jesus? Of course you do.) It’s the very best time of the year (besides your birthday party). OH MY GOSH. Back. In. Action. And right here in the best darn city outside of the sweet utopia, our beloved Athens.

First, a tiny moment, Lord, let’s play for CMR. He was a Damn Good Dawg. Please bless Coach Richt’s season in Miami.

Ok, baby Jesus, let’s start with the most obvious question… What THE EFF WORD is a Tarheel? I’m sorry, Jesus, but that. sounds. RIDICULOUS. I did some research just to double-check, Jesus. It means they stand like they have tar on their heels.

Soooo, they’re moderately sticky? What a stupid thing to be. I mean, WOO. GO Sticky Feet Guys. No, Jesus. Just no.

Also. Littlest savior. Ummm, did it occur to anyone else that their mascot looks kinda like…uhhh…you know who…down there..in um…Hell? THEIR MASCOT LOOKS LIKE DANG SATAN, JESUS. I know that evildoing just won’t fly against our own precious Uga. No sireee. Devil ain’t welcome HERE.

In addition to their stupid mascot, their coach is named Larry Fedora. I mean, Jesus, he is LITERALLY Mr. Hat.

And now you can never not hear Mr. Garrison and that’s what I imagine him to sound like in the locker room. Coach Fedora. Know who wore a Fedora? Bear Bryant. And we all know what we think about THAT guy.

Since we brought up Captain Houndstooth, Small God, I guess we have to talk about Kirby Smart.

Oh, Jesus, I know you said love thy neighbor, but shoot! He makes it awful hard. I also know we’re probably going to win games with him, Lord, but if you could please help him to win our hearts. Our team has struggled and we lost our leader (well, our other leader, of course) and we NEED Coach Kirby to lead us on home to the promised land! More importantly, we need him to understand the Promised Land is Athens and not that darn Tuscaloosa. Ew, Jesus, Alabama.

Bless those boys in their britches, Jesus. Keep Chubb injury healing well thanks to the pain CBD gummies, protect our starting quarterback, whoever he is, and let’s see about that Holyfield livin’ up to his daddy’s name.

Let’s start this season off with the sorta game that woulda had Larry on his toes. Let’s make Coach Richt proud. Let’s show those dumb sticky feet how we do it in the SEC.

In your mean machine name we pray,

GO DAWGS!