Dear 8lb, 9oz, baby savior wearin’ tiny little hobnail boots,

Throwback to 2014 when the Dawgs beat the Tigers in Sanford Stadium. The “tres” were for Todd Gurley

Well Jesus, I have to start by saying you gave us quite a scare last week!

For a minute we thought you’d forsaken us, but we shoulda known better than to doubt you. Thanks for that W. That said, I know you love to have fun, wee ruler, but maybe a few less shenanigans this game?

We’re off to Missouri this week, Jesus! Did you have fun on the flight, baby Lord? I hope you and Coach Kirby sat down over a bourbon, errrr, over a nice glass of milk, and talked about our plan for the day. Maybe a little guidance on the quarterback conundrum, hmmmmmm? I’m sure the littlest creator of Athens and the whole Universe knows just what we should do.

Jesus, I gotta tell ya, I’m pretty tired of Tigers.

I mean, CAN WE GET AN ORIGINAL MASCOT UP IN THIS HOUSE? And these guys are the worst of all. Everyone know tigers are black and orange. (Ew, Jesus, orange, I’m sorry, but not one of your better inventions) These guys are black and gold dart. Um. Gold dart? What? Is their school newspaper called the Gold Dart & Black? I’m sorry, Lord, but that’s just plain dumb.

Speaking of dumb, I’ve been saying this for years, little deity, but Missouri ain’t in the Southeast. It is in the North Middle, Jesus, and therefore they don’t deserve to play in our sacred conference. They don’t even say y’all up there! I’m sorry that SOMEBODY failed geography, but these folks are Yankees and we won’t let them forget it.

On the top of the list of other things we can’t forget, teeny leader, is that Barry Odom has been coaching high school football, pretty much since he left Missouri the first time.

I hear he used to coach for some Memphis team, but from what I’ve read, he mostly worked the back office. I’m sorry, Jesus, but this guy just can’t carry weight against our own Coach K! High school football is for BABIES! I mean, not holy #blessed babies like you, infant messiah, like REAL icky babies who just lay around and can’t do much.

I’m really just hoping the odds are in our favor on this one, small god. We’ve played against these fellas fives times now, and we’ve won FOUR of those times, specifically, the last two. Ooh, Jesus, do you remember that time in 2014 when we totally shut them out 34-0. You may remember another reason why 34 is a sacred number to us Bulldogs, Jesus, so I think it’s a sign that we are meant to repeat that performance.

Bless the boys in RED (because again, what is gold dart) and black as they leave our beautiful, Southern home to take on some poser tigers, small saint. Help us to hunker, keep Chubb safe (and fast), and let whoever is throwin’ our football be the biggest, BADDEST Leroy Brown Mizzou’s ever seen! They call themselves the Show Me state, so I think we oughtta.

In your Glory, Glory singin’ name we pray,

GO DAWGS!