Dear 8lb, 9oz, SEC-EAST lovin’ little baby Jesus in the manger,
Wowee, Jesus! Welcome to Athens!
What a beautiful and blessed day this is! Baby lord, if you don’t mind, we’re just gonna skip right on over what happened last week, assume it was part of your tiny all-knowing plan, and hope you’ll go back to bestowing W’s upon the always faithful Bulldog Nation.
Today our Bulldogs are taking on some Volunteers in orange (which to me sounds a lot like those prisoners who clean up trash on the side of the road) in some gross old place in Tennessee. Can you just imagine all that orange, lordlet? I know you’re real sorry for whatever day you said “Let there be this,” so as a consolation for it, maybe we could just beat all the orange teams for the rest of the season? Hmmmm? It’s just SO displeasing in a world where you did everything else right.
(Shhh, we won’t talk about Donald Trump, who, actually, is also orange. We know he’s not your doing.)
So here we are, between the Hedges!
We’re up against another dumb team (dressed in orange) who doesn’t know what their mascot is. *cough* Auburn *cough*
But really, baby God, are they a volunteer or a dog? Speaking of mascots, let’s just be honest here, small Christ. I know we’re supposed to love all of your creatures, and we do. But there’s just no way on Earth that Smokey is as good as Uga when it comes down to it. That ol’ Bulldog is a handsome gentleman and could obviously whoop that coon dog’s hiney if he felt like getting off his bag of ice! Also that wretched Rocky Top business. I’m sorry, little savior, but if Phish covers your fight song, you should probably just hang it up.
Also, do you know that UT has a rock, Jesus, where they paint important proclamations!? Sounds a lot to me like they’re trying to replace your 10 Commandments, small ruler. That’s BLASPHEMOUS. Only you and sweet ol’ Moses are allowed to make commands through rocks! Please guide us to victory over these false prophets, and their lame coach, Butch Jones, who, excuse me, was NOT EVEN BORN IN THE SOUTH and needs to go back to the North Middle where he is from.
I wish we didn’t have to talk about this jerk, mini-savior, but I reckon it can’t be avoided. Do you know he drives a $200,000 dollar car? To impress recruits? Last I checked, only creepy dudes go around trying to impress teenage boys, Jesus. THAT. AIN’T. RIGHT. I also heard the university beauty school is giving away Butch Jones haircuts if they beat us. HOW VAIN, Jesus! We all know Pride is one of the 7, so now there’s especially no reason these guys deserve to win! Also, his haircut is stupid. Actually, Auburn said it best when they tweeted that he looks like a lug nut. A creepy, proud, compensating-for-something lug nut.
You know, littlest leader, I really like to think Heaven looks a lot like Sanford Stadium around 9am on the morning of a game. Not like gross old Neyland Stadium, which I hear looks a lot like a garbage truck workers’ convention. I mean, it would make sense, Jesus. Remember when Lane Kiffen left and they burned trash in the streets to stop him? First, what kind of nasty rednecks burn trash? And second, who wants to keep Lane Kiffen anywhere?
In college, I always spent a little extra time talking to you before this game! This year I was thinking it wouldn’t much matter, but now, well, I have to be honest. TODAY IS IMPORTANT, JESUS. The entire East side of the SEC rides on the little magic carpet of your blessings! We need a little extra help on completing those passes (ok, a lot, but it’s not the Freshman’s fault) so I ask that you take good care of our boys in red and black this week, baby ruler of the Universe, especially without our precious Chubb, and for the love of your dad, please don’t let us do that thing where we accidentally lose a game we shouldn’t.
In your Daags on top name we pray,
Amen…and GO DAWGS!
It didn’t work!