Pretty Southern

Author: Jenn Ciccarelli

  • Praying for Georgia vs. Tennessee. Go Dawgs!

    Praying for Georgia vs. Tennessee. Go Dawgs!

    Dear 8lb, 9oz smallest quarterback of the Universe and the only acceptable ruler with tiny hands,

    #UGAvsTenn
     
    Well howdy, Jesus! Can we get a HEAVEN YEAH! for that game last weekend?! Woo! The Dawgs are on top this season, Lordlet, and I hope it has a lot to do with our conversations! You can definitely let Aaron Murray know that he ain’t s…I mean, that he was wrong about picking those other Bulldogs. Thank ya for that W.

    Today, our Mean Machines have traveled all the way to Knoxville to take on those ol’ Tennessee Volunteers.

    Once again, Jesus, a team with an identity crisis. They’re volunteers because Tennessee sent a bunch of volunteer soldiers in the War of 1812. I MEAN, GET WITH THE TIMES, AM I RIGHT? Then they’ve got some hound dog named Smokey and a Phish song as their anthem. Also, their coach’s name is Lyle Allen but they call him Butch. I gotta tell ya, Jesus, I don’t understand much about any of this.

    Speaking of things we don’t understand, can you tell me why these volunteers keep a trashcan on their sidelines? I hear it’s a special celebration for when they force a turnover. Uhhhh, because forcing the turnover isn’t enough celebration? You have to dunk a football in a trashcan instead? Maybe folks are on to something with that whole garbage man thing after all. Either way seems pretty weak compared to our “Savage” vest.

    Infant deity, we have to have a little talk.

    We all know that in all of time, in all the lands, you have only made two mistakes. Donald Trump and the color orange. It occurs to me as I tell you this that they are one in the same. If ya think on it, those Gators, those Eagle Plainsmen, those Tigers from that other conference, I mean, the list goes on, baby Lord, of the tackiest folks on the planet and the unifier between all of ‘em bein’ orange. As I said before, I know folks like to make fun of garbage men conventions here, but frankly Lordlet, garbage men have taken trash out of the world while these orange folks, ‘specially that Donny, ARE the trash. At least I’m glad they’re keeping their pumpkiny abomination in Knoxville this year and not bringing it to dear ol’ Athens!

    We’re not going to talk about last year, Jesus. Your mom was obviously under a lot of pressure when she heard their call and let them make that catch. If you could just talk to her for us this year. No more of those, please. Unless they’re for the Dawgs. Then hail your mom all day! Tell her we’ll be sure to send a card on your birthday this year and we hope she’s doing well.

    Jesus, we come to you today to ask for a mulligan on our last meet-up with these Tennesseeans. That you continue to put the maximum magic in Fromm, protect our defense who are stronger than any wall any orange person could ever build, and Jesus, well, I can’t believe it, but thank ya from all of us for Coach Kirby. Why, it surely is the finest thing in the land to be a Georgia fan this season.

    In your comin’ down the tracks name we pray,

    AMEN AND GO DAWGS!

    Editor’s note: please Jesus, don’t make our other Pretty Southern contributor, Mandy Morgan cry again. She was pretty pitiful in 2015 when the Dawgs lost in Knoxville
    #UGAvsTenn

  • Praying for UGA vs. Mississippi State

    Praying for UGA vs. Mississippi State

    Editor’s note: today is UGA’s first SEC matchup of the 2017 season, and blessedly we still haven’t played any teams in our division, the SEC East. Dear God, let’s make sure we get this team ready to beat the pants off Tennessee, Florida, and South Carolina. No one cares about Kentucky. Now onto today’s prayer.

     

    UGA vs Mississippi State #UGAvsMissSt

    Dear 8lb, 9oz immaculately conceived ruler of all and creator of the SEC,

    Let us start this prayer by giving praise for Royce for keepin’ us on the righteous path last weekend! Y’all had a great chat and we so appreciate that W. Today, Royce’s good wife, Dori, and I are coming to you from your home on Earth, Athens, GA.

    What a day for the first SEC match up, Lordlet! Today, our Bulldogs take on, well, Jesus, this sure is confusing…some OTHER Bulldogs? What? I hope they’re not that silly French kind. I mean, if you’re gonna be a dog, be a DAWG, Jesus. Otherwise, you’re just a p…oh, um…cat. You are just a cat.

    Besides, best I can tell our Bulldogs got their start in 1785 while these false prophets from Mississippi didn’t come around until the late 1800’s. Worse than cats, tiny leader, THEY ARE COPY CATS.

    Do you know what else I’ve learned, Lordlet? They bring COWBELLS to their games. Even though they are banned, mostly for bein’ annoyin’. Ugh. Their college started as some cotton-pickers club and now they’re going to bring their gross redneck traditions to our Sanford Stadium. I know they’re only used to having to listen to 60,000 of them, but we just won’t have it in OUR house. Where the REAL Bulldogs play.

    Little Jesus, these ol’ cat-dogs come from some strange place called Starkville. DUH, GUYS. It’s called Winterfell. Get it right. Also, the only thing to ever come out of this wrongly-named Starkville that anyone has ever heard of is Ronald Reagan. A DANG REPUBLICAN AND NOT AT ALL FROM THE SOUTH, Jesus. I can’t believe they even let the guy in!

    Speaking of guys we don’t let in, Dan Mullen used to coach at FLORIDA! Can you imagine? (We won’t talk about Coach Kirby or where he comes from today, if that’s alright with you, small saint. Just focusing on the task at hand.) They’re basically Gators playing in South Carolina colors. NO WAY they deserve to beat our boys in the red and black, little leader.

    With hearts that bleed for Georgia, Jesus, we ask that you continue to guide Coach K, keep that fire in Fromm, and protect that incredible defense of ours. More long runs, more one-handed catches, maybe less Brice Ramsey. Thank you for this glorious day! For these moments between the Hedges. For our Always Home.

    We’ll see ya at the Chapel Bell, Jesus!

    AMEN AND GO DAWGS!

    PS. Jesus, have you seen Gurley in the NFL this season? HOLY SMOKES!

  • A Prayer from the Bulldog Nation for UGA vs. Notre Dame

    A Prayer from the Bulldog Nation for UGA vs. Notre Dame

    Editor’s Note: every Saturday when UGA plays this football season, check out Pretty Southern for a prayer for the Bulldog Nation. Praise be!

    UGA vs. Notre Dame #GoDawgs #UGAvsNotreDame

    Dear 8lb, 9oz pint-sized-but-powerful little leader,

    I would like to take a serious moment and start the prayer by nicely asking if you could just clap-on/clap-off the hurricanes, baby ruler. Or, if they have to come, maybe just a brief stop over Gainesville where nobody gets hurt but maybe their fields get real soggy. Also, in the event that all of this catastrophe is signaling the end times, well, we’ll see ya real soon!

    On with the show! Speaking of on with the show, Jesus, do you remember last weekend? When ya half scared us to death then delivered us from evil? I hear you’re real good at that.

    A heartfelt Get Well from the Bulldog Nation to Jacob Eason and a big fat, literal, THANK YOU JESUS for Jake Fromm. Wooeee, that kid.

    Today our boys in their silver britches are taking on some team in the North who calls themselves Notre Dame. First of all, Jesus, do you know that Notre Dame is French for “Our Lady.” What are they even talking about? There is no OUR here, Jesus. She’s literally YOUR mom. I wouldn’t take kindly to a buncha Yankees making such claims.

    And worse than being Yankees, Jesus, THEY ARE CATHOLICS. Now, I know they claim to be your people and all, but think about it. Catholics believe people shouldn’t have birth control and that if they just don’t have S-E-X, they won’t get pregnant. Again, lordlet, I would just like to remind them who your mom is. I would also like to remind them that hanging a giant tacky picture of someone in your house without their permission is just not something someone in the SEC would ever do. Touchdown, Jesus, indeed.

    I wish I could say it stopped there, but it gets worse. THEY’RE IRISH. Fighting Irish, in fact.

    Not sure if you’ve been in any bars lately, small savior, but the drunk redheads with the silly accents are usually the first to go down. Who can’t win a fight against the stumbly guy, child chief?! This shouldn’t be a problem for our mighty Dawgs!

    These Yankee gingers call their stadium the House that Rockne Built. Uh, what’s a Rockne?
    I obviously did some research from the other Good Book, Wikipedia, and learned that he’s some coach from 1918? Honoring some ol’ dead coach? Is this the guy with the silly houndstooth, Jesus? This Bend in the South sounds quite inferior to Athens and Sanford Stadium with its glorious hedges.

    We come to you today, petite deity, asking for another fire game for Fromm, safe runs, caught balls, and for that powerhouse defense of ours to stop those little Mary’s (no offense, you know we’ll hail her if we have to) dead in their tracks!

    In your tiniest little pair of hobnail boots wearin’ name we pray,

    AMEN AND GO DAWGS!

     
    For more, follow @Pretty_Southern on Twitter and #UGAvsNotreDame

  • A Prayer for UGA – Kicking off the 2017 Season

    A Prayer for UGA – Kicking off the 2017 Season

    Editor’s note: we’re thrilled to welcome Jenn back with her prayers for the Bulldog Nation, kicking off the 2017 season: UGA vs. App State.

    Dear 8lb, 9oz tiniest, smallest, most mighty little leader,

    Helllloooooooo, Jesus! Can you just believe it? Here we are! Together again on the holiest of holy days! Why, this is the most anticipated meet up until Tormund and Brienne are back together. Thank you for this day. Thank you for our relatively crime-free off season. Thank you for the Bulldog Nation. I hear there’s nothin’ finer in the land.

    Hairy Dawg UGA #GoDawgs

    Today, between our glorious, made-by-you hedges, our Dawgs take on the Appalachian State Mountaineers. Lordlet, they’re supposed to start us with an easy W, but we all remember the 2007 Michigan* game and come to you asking for not a repeat performance. Good thing Coach Kirby is our leader and not Ol’ Butch Jones or this could be a close one! Please help us to remain focused, steadfast, and committed to kicking their, um, tushes.

    Baby God, do you know that App State’s mascot is a redneck named Yosef? He shoots a dang rifle after every touchdown. I am absolutely 100% sure that he voted for Donny Jonny. That alone is enough of a reason to never let them win a game again, but I can keep going. The name “Yosef” comes from mountain talk for “yourself,” the idea being that if you are a fan, you are Yosef. That doesn’t make much sense to me, Jesus, but then again, I don’t speak stupid.

    Speaking of stupid, do you know they call their yearbook The Rhododendron, that making tons of sense, what with it being the national flower of Nepal?! These guys, little savior, I gotta tell you, seem to have been hit with the short end of the smart stick. If you don’t believe me, go check out their website (not that you need a website to know, smallest seer of all things despite your infant-sized brain). They have a plan where you can graduate in 5 years…ON PURPOSE.

    There’s just not a whole lot I can say about the SunBelt Conference, little Lord. Would sorta feel like picking on the kid who doesn’t get picked for dodgeball. Doesn’t help them much that their record under that Satterfield fella is 32-18. Math was never much my favorite (sorry, I know you invented it) but Jesus, THAT’S A D. There just ain’t a reason in this Universe why our glorious and mighty Bulldogs should fall to an average team. I’m sure you’ll hear our prayer, pint-sized deity, and see to a win for the boys in red and black.

    Itty bitty chief, we come to you today to ask that Coach Kirby be on the other side of what we call, rebuilding. That our Dawgs are ready to play strong and smart. Like, 4-year degree smart. Let ‘em be blessed with complete passes, long runs, and no injuries. Let Uga’s icepack stay cold. Let us all channel our inner Larry and HUNKER DOWN! And, above all else, let us sing your petite praises for bringing back the very best time of the year.

    In your size extra small silver britches wearin’ name we pray,

    AMEN AND GO DAWGS!

    #GoDawgs Sanford Stadium UGA Georgia Bulldogs football

  • Praying for Georgia vs. Florida

    Praying for Georgia vs. Florida

    Dear 8lb, 9oz, tiny absentee manager in the manger,

    Little leader, we’re coming to you today with a different sorta prayer.

    While of course our eyes are always set on the W, we need a little TLC for our boys this week, Jesus. It’s been three weeks of straight whoopins, the last one only slightly less terrible than this week’s Walking Dead.

    This week, our Dawgs are headed down to the Biggest’ Cocktail Party of the year, small Lord. While I’m always thankful not to be in that dang swamp, I’m as nervous about this game as I could be.

    Florida Gator Hate

    Then I realized, it doesn’t really matter (ok, yes it does, PLEASE JESUS SAVE THE SEASON) because we are the Bulldog Nation. And that means something’ more than the outcome of this or any game. And it’s something we all have to summon and to hold on to, tight, right now, while it’s hard.

    Bulldogs remember the first time we set foot in Heaven, Jesus.

    On Earth, we call it Athens. And we remember marching miles in heels, hammered, calling out about who’s coming down the track. And we remember our first tailgate on North Campus, and how we were darn sure we’d never find a better place to call home. The moment you know you’re a Georgia Bulldog, Jesus, you are forever changed.

    We remember our first trip to Jacksonville. If you’re me, on a bus with ALL of the drunk fraternity boys, some of whom are still my most favorite people on the planet. We remember being so wasted before a night game against Auburn that we were sure we’d never make it, but we did. We think about the moment when everyone realizes you’re going to win a too-close game against Tennessee and you hug a complete stranger in the stands. In that moment, you understand why we call it the Bulldog Nation.

    We reflect on the players we have loved along the years! And some we love less now, David Pollock, you filthy traitor!

    *Ahem*

    When you’re a Bulldog, the sound of Larry Munson’s voice does somethin’ to you.  Standing in Sanford Stadium on a perfect Saturday afternoon in Fall is better than the best thing you can think of. And the song leading us into the 4th sometimes makes us choked up, but we just pretend our bleary eyes are drunk, because there’s no crying in football.

    But there is. Our ever-stoic fans are shedding tears this season, Jesus! When things like last week happen, and the week before, and all of the weeks where the Bulldogs fall, you feel it! And your heart hurts. You worry for your team, not a National title. (Ok, a National title a little, but go with me on this, Jesus.) Georgia Bulldogs everywhere are worried, Jesus, and we need your help!

    Watch over us today, lordlet. Loran said it best all those years ago when he said Larry would love this team’s heart. I believe Larry is up there with you, Jesus, so maybe you could talk to him some about why this year’s Georgia team is so incredibly special. Keep it safe! And if in the interim we could whoop some Gator tails, that would also be muchly appreciated.

    In your we’re not sure you hear us name we pray,

    Amen…and GO DAWGS!

     

  • A Prayer for #UGAvsSC

    A Prayer for #UGAvsSC

    Dear 8lb, 9oz precious little Dawg-lovin’ savior,

    Happy Sunday, Jesus!

    I can’t believe we’re chattin’ on a Sunday. Been a while, I reckon. I sure do like this switch up, baby lord. Brunch and college football at the same time? WHAT A WORLD!

    #UGAvsSC
    Well, Jesus, we Georgia fans are coming to you a little more humbly this week. Last week, in a very smart move to hail your mom in the last second, those blasted Volunteers stole a victory from our tiny Jacob. Again, lordlet, I can only assume it was part of your greater plan for our boys in silver britches. The way I figure it, Jesus, you’re the biggest come-back kid I know, so I believe in my heart of hearts that you will help our boys pull out a victory today over those wretched chickens and their crappy new leader.

    Speaking of, this season it’s a lot harder to even care about these Cocks now that Steve Spurrier is gone.

    Steve Spurrier Dartboard

    Baby Jesus, the Holy Bible never mentions whatcha do after Satan retires.

    Can we just talk about Spurrier for a second, tiny leader of Heaven? Glad nobody else is around claiming to be the Head Ball Coach any more. Far as I can tell, YOU’RE the only Head Ball Coach around this place…and the ENTIRE UNIVERSE.

    Do we even need to talk about Wil Muschamp, small leader? That guy has coached, pretty unsuccessfully, at like, EVERY SEC school. Gross. There can’t be a lick’a loyalty inside him, Jesus! It’s cute that South Carolina has picked up Florida’s sloppy seconds two coaches in a row now, though.

    Also, I know last week I said orange was the worst thing you ever made, but that’s just because I forgot about Columbia. What kind of place wants to be the capitol of the state that didn’t even want to be a part of this great grand thing we call AMERICA?! That’s like saying you want to be in a conference outside of the SEC. WHO DOES THAT, Jesus?! Not the Bulldogs, I can tell you that much.

    Jesus, could the Bulldogs get a W this week?

    I think we’ve earned it through our gracious hurricane negotiations, tiny Eason’s performance this season, and Chubb’s continued super-human healing abilities. Let those Dawgs go back to Athens in high spirits, injury-free and ready to move forward, victorious, for the rest of our season!

    In your Larry-lovin’ name we pray,

    Amen…and GO DAWGS!