Dear 8lb, 9oz, SEC-EAST lovin’ little baby Jesus in the manger,

Wowee, Jesus! Welcome to Athens!

What a beautiful and blessed day this is! Baby lord, if you don’t mind, we’re just gonna skip right on over what happened last week, assume it was part of your tiny all-knowing plan, and hope you’ll go back to bestowing W’s upon the always faithful Bulldog Nation.

Today our Bulldogs are taking on some Volunteers in orange (which to me sounds a lot like those prisoners who clean up trash on the side of the road) in some gross old place in Tennessee. Can you just imagine all that orange, lordlet? I know you’re real sorry for whatever day you said “Let there be this,” so as a consolation for it, maybe we could just beat all the orange teams for the rest of the season? Hmmmm? It’s just SO displeasing in a world where you did everything else right.

(Shhh, we won’t talk about Donald Trump, who, actually, is also orange. We know he’s not your doing.)

So here we are, between the Hedges!

We’re up against another dumb team (dressed in orange) who doesn’t know what their mascot is. *cough* Auburn *cough*

But really, baby God, are they a volunteer or a dog? Speaking of mascots, let’s just be honest here, small Christ. I know we’re supposed to love all of your creatures, and we do. But there’s just no way on Earth that Smokey is as good as Uga when it comes down to it. That ol’ Bulldog is a handsome gentleman and could obviously whoop that coon dog’s hiney if he felt like getting off his bag of ice! Also that wretched Rocky Top business. I’m sorry, little savior, but if Phish covers your fight song, you should probably just hang it up.

Also, do you know that UT has a rock, Jesus, where they paint important proclamations!? Sounds a lot to me like they’re trying to replace your 10 Commandments, small ruler. That’s BLASPHEMOUS. Only you and sweet ol’ Moses are allowed to make commands through rocks! Please guide us to victory over these false prophets, and their lame coach, Butch Jones, who, excuse me, was NOT EVEN BORN IN THE SOUTH and needs to go back to the North Middle where he is from.

I wish we didn’t have to talk about this jerk, mini-savior, but I reckon it can’t be avoided. Do you know he drives a $200,000 dollar car? To impress recruits? Last I checked, only creepy dudes go around trying to impress teenage boys, Jesus. THAT. AIN’T. RIGHT. I also heard the university beauty school is giving away Butch Jones haircuts if they beat us. HOW VAIN, Jesus! We all know Pride is one of the 7, so now there’s especially no reason these guys deserve to win! Also, his haircut is stupid. Actually, Auburn said it best when they tweeted that he looks like a lug nut. A creepy, proud, compensating-for-something lug nut.

You know, littlest leader, I really like to think Heaven looks a lot like Sanford Stadium around 9am on the morning of a game. Not like gross old Neyland Stadium, which I hear looks a lot like a garbage truck workers’ convention. I mean, it would make sense, Jesus. Remember when Lane Kiffen left and they burned trash in the streets to stop him? First, what kind of nasty rednecks burn trash? And second, who wants to keep Lane Kiffen anywhere?

In college, I always spent a little extra time talking to you before this game! This year I was thinking it wouldn’t much matter, but now, well, I have to be honest. TODAY IS IMPORTANT, JESUS. The entire East side of the SEC rides on the little magic carpet of your blessings! We need a little extra help on completing those passes (ok, a lot, but it’s not the Freshman’s fault) so I ask that you take good care of our boys in red and black this week, baby ruler of the Universe, especially without our precious Chubb, and for the love of your dad, please don’t let us do that thing where we accidentally lose a game we shouldn’t.

In your Daags on top name we pray,

Amen…and GO DAWGS!

Dear 8lb, 9oz smallest baby Jesus, wearin’ the tiniest little silver britches,

Happy Game Day to you, Lord!

A quick moment of thanks for that messy W last week and another request for a little less strain on the old tickers this one. WOO-EE, Jesus, ya scared us!

Today our #blessed boys in red and black take on the Ole Miss Rebels, infant savior. First of all, Jesus, I don’t really understand. I did some looking into this and I have to be honest and say I didn’t much like what I read about what the name means and I don’t think it’s fitting to talk to the smallest creator of the Universe about it. It came about a long long time ago when someone suggested they name their annual after it! SO, tiny ruler, in summation, this team is named after a racist yearbook.

Nope. I know that won’t fly up in Heaven!

The news gets worse, pint-sized chief. The Ole Miss Mascot? It’s the black bear. Do you know what Mississippi leads the U.S. in, baby Jesus? BLACK BEAR HUNTING. How in all that is holy and small do they hunt their own dang mascot, little leader?

THAT. AIN’T. RIGHT.

If they were anything like our Damn Good Dawgs, they’d give their bears nice little houses and bags of ice on the hot days! The bear also came about after they decided their old mascot, Colonel Reb, was deemed racist (BECAUSE HE’S A DANG CONFEDERATE SOLDIER) Anyways, Jesus, I’m noticing a tendency about these folks and I repeat, I don’t much like it.

Speaking of things we don’t much like, mini-Maker, The Grove is basically the Charleston of tailgating. Sure, it’s pretty, then you get there and realize it’s filled with a bunch of awful rednecks in tacky clothes with average tastes in football teams, running around yelling about how they’re the best. No siree, Jesus.

We all know you find Heaven between the Hedges and that Oxford isn’t allowed to sit with Athens at lunch.

I guess we also have to address this RIDICULOUS Hotty Toddy thing. Jesus, their cheer has a CURSE in it. The D word! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? Last I checked, you are, literally, the only one allowed to damn anybody, wee monarch, and the fact that Hotty Toddy doesn’t even mean anything just makes it worse. I mean, isn’t that a drink you have when you’re sick? I think the Dawgs just drink the bourbon and skip the hot and whatever a toddy is because they’re not sissies. I just can’t find a single reason why these fellas deserve your divine intervention, itty bitty baron!

Take good care of our boys today, baby Jesus. Let Jacob Eason see only one set of footprints in the turf as you guide him to victory. Keep Chubb fast, strong, and always ready to hail your mom. Give Coach K ALL THAT FIRE we’ve seen the last two games, littlest deity, and let’s march back to Athens with a (faux) bearskin rug.

In your Hunkerin’ Down name we pray,

GO DAWGS!

Dear 8lb, 9oz, baby savior wearin’ tiny little hobnail boots,

Throwback to 2014 when the Dawgs beat the Tigers in Sanford Stadium. The “tres” were for Todd Gurley

Well Jesus, I have to start by saying you gave us quite a scare last week!

For a minute we thought you’d forsaken us, but we shoulda known better than to doubt you. Thanks for that W. That said, I know you love to have fun, wee ruler, but maybe a few less shenanigans this game?

We’re off to Missouri this week, Jesus! Did you have fun on the flight, baby Lord? I hope you and Coach Kirby sat down over a bourbon, errrr, over a nice glass of milk, and talked about our plan for the day. Maybe a little guidance on the quarterback conundrum, hmmmmmm? I’m sure the littlest creator of Athens and the whole Universe knows just what we should do.

Jesus, I gotta tell ya, I’m pretty tired of Tigers.

I mean, CAN WE GET AN ORIGINAL MASCOT UP IN THIS HOUSE? And these guys are the worst of all. Everyone know tigers are black and orange. (Ew, Jesus, orange, I’m sorry, but not one of your better inventions) These guys are black and gold dart. Um. Gold dart? What? Is their school newspaper called the Gold Dart & Black? I’m sorry, Lord, but that’s just plain dumb.

Speaking of dumb, I’ve been saying this for years, little deity, but Missouri ain’t in the Southeast. It is in the North Middle, Jesus, and therefore they don’t deserve to play in our sacred conference. They don’t even say y’all up there! I’m sorry that SOMEBODY failed geography, but these folks are Yankees and we won’t let them forget it.

On the top of the list of other things we can’t forget, teeny leader, is that Barry Odom has been coaching high school football, pretty much since he left Missouri the first time.

I hear he used to coach for some Memphis team, but from what I’ve read, he mostly worked the back office. I’m sorry, Jesus, but this guy just can’t carry weight against our own Coach K! High school football is for BABIES! I mean, not holy #blessed babies like you, infant messiah, like REAL icky babies who just lay around and can’t do much.

I’m really just hoping the odds are in our favor on this one, small god. We’ve played against these fellas fives times now, and we’ve won FOUR of those times, specifically, the last two. Ooh, Jesus, do you remember that time in 2014 when we totally shut them out 34-0. You may remember another reason why 34 is a sacred number to us Bulldogs, Jesus, so I think it’s a sign that we are meant to repeat that performance.

Bless the boys in RED (because again, what is gold dart) and black as they leave our beautiful, Southern home to take on some poser tigers, small saint. Help us to hunker, keep Chubb safe (and fast), and let whoever is throwin’ our football be the biggest, BADDEST Leroy Brown Mizzou’s ever seen! They call themselves the Show Me state, so I think we oughtta.

In your Glory, Glory singin’ name we pray,

GO DAWGS!

Dear 8lb, 9oz, teeny tiny Jesus, sittin’ over there ‘tween the hedges, just sippin’ on a Holy Water…

Good morning, Lord!

Today is a day you indeed have made. I already know you’re having a good one, as today is the day you get to visit your vacation home, Sanford Stadium!!

What a beautiful sight our little city is on Game Day, baby Jesus! Thank you for Athens and all the folks in their Saturday best and for inventing the Breakfast Beer, great pocket-sized pious one!

Woo-eee, Jesus! Did ya see us last week!?

Thanks for THAT! Whatever bug you put in Coach Kirkby’s britches worked! (I think that little bug’s name is Nick Chubb, for the record.) We’re off to a great start and can’t wait to spend the season honoring your love of the Georgia Bulldogs!

Today, Lord, we take on the Colonels from Nicholls State. Honestly, small savior, I don’t even know where to start with these kids. How about that their website is geauxcolonels.com?

JESUS! There’s nothing more annoying.

All those people from Louisiana spell everything WRONG! Is their entire team on academic probation? Can’t even spell Go. Gracious, littlest savior.

Speaking of Louisiana, petite ruler, where exactly is Thibodaux? AGAIN WITH THE X!

It sounds like the swamp to me. We only fight one gross team from the swamp every season, Jesus, and that’s those darn Gators. I hear we paid them half a million dollars for this game, small blessed one! I reckon it’s because they had to buy a bunch of those hover boats to get here.

Just LISTEN to what I read about their mascot, mini manger-dweller! UH-parrently, it used to be a Confederate soldier! We all know that ain’t right. So, instead of praying to you for good guidance, they paid a buncha money for a new mascot and NOW HE’S A NAZI! Also! Their logo has a big, sharp sword through it, Jesus! We just don’t tolerate that kind of business here. Sounds violent.

Bless our boys in red in black, today, wee leader! Give Eason a chance to shine! And please, dear Lord, give Chubb a chance to run!

There really is nothin’ finer in the land than these beautiful days filled with friends, BBQ, (maybe a little booze, in moderation of course) and the best darn college football team in the best darn college football conference!!

In your Chapel Bell ringin’ name we pray,

GO DAWGS!